Never Seems To Be Good Enough

  No matter how hard I try in whatever it may be it always seems like I get snapped at. I don't understand, I don't see how I'm the one that's always doing the wrong thing. I feel like I am a very giving and understanding person. One who will do anything that I can within reason to help someone I love or care about out. Because of this I know that I have been used a lot and taken advantage of.
 
  I have been struggling lately more then ever and have no one to turn to for help or even just to listen. I feel like because I live the way I live and am not active in the church anymore some people see me like I'm not a good person and getting help isn't without something expected of me. Whatever happened to doing things for other out of kindness? I know there are people who do but the ones around me don't. Maybe I'm sounding a little selfish or maybe even a lot selfish but I have stuck my neck out for a lot of people and have just gotten hurt in the end.

  I don't know how to break away from it and not care so much. I don't want to become a bitch and never do anything for anyone because I don't want people to see me that way. I've been told to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and/or use me but when I stand up to that person that said that to me, I'm the worst person in the world and I only think of myself. So really it's just crap no matter what I do. Either I'm miserable so someone else is happy or I feel guilty because the other person treats me like shit because I stood up for myself. I don't know what to do. I want to brake away from everyone and go some place new but it said that always running away is never going to work cause your problems follow you. SO then what? I'm sure that there's a way out but I know myself, I know that I am going to beat myself up because I stood up for myself and hurt the ones I love and care about. I struggle with feeling like I am worth anything or deserve anything better than what I have. Parents that are disappointed in me, siblings that either hate me, don't really know what's going on cause they are busy with their own life, put pressure on me because I'm not doing what they want me to do or being a better person and going back to church or taking a chance about one thing or another but ending up being hated or disowning me.

 I was struggling at lot with being alone as in not in a relationship but it's been more lately that I've been struggling with feeling alone and not wanted by my family. Because of thing's that have happened with my ex and thing's that I said I would do so get him out of my life and then not going through with it because it was going to be more emotionally draining then actually making it better, I have become the bad person and have been accused that I'm choosing my ex over my family. There have been a lot of things that have been said that really hurt and probably will never be forgotten. I get told that they just want to see me happy and that I need their help to get back to where I want to be but what they don't understand is that they are the ones that are causing the depression, sadness and loneliness by the things they say and they way I'm treated. Knowing that I don't have my family's support and that they don't have my back if I don't do what they want me to do hurts a lot. I am not asking for them to agree with the way that I live my life or the choices I make but at least for them to love me and be there for me no matter what and they don't seem to be. The thing that hurts the most and makes me so sad is that they are active members of the LDS church and one of the things that the church teaches is love unconditionally. If I don't do what they want me to do, I don't feel like they love me at all. It feels like their love is based on what they want. I can't talk to anyone of them about it because it gets turned around on me and it's all back to my fault and me being the bad person and treating my family wrong. Part of me just wants to distance myself from them and do my thing but I know that it will hurt my mom. I know that I've hurt my mom because of how I live my life but what about the hurt that I feel, doesn't that matter? If their love is depended on me doing what they want and living how they think I should then how is that being Christ-like and loving unconditionally? I'm not perfect and even though I am not active in the church anymore but I try to be understanding, excepting and there for people I love no matter what they do because I believe there is good in everyone no matter how they live their lives or what they do. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to agree with thing's like stealing and killing and anything in between because those are wrong but I still believe that there is good in those people somewhere.

 I have come along ways from where I was even 5 years ago. Yes I have become more depressed and over the last 3 years but I have also accomplished so much. I've got a great job, I live on my own and don't need the support of someone else and I keep learning and trying to be better. But that's still not good enough for anyone. Why is it that everyone seems to always look at and stay with the bad and wrong choices someone makes, never looking at the good and life them up with those thing's. Focusing on the bad tears a person down, I know from experience from family to friends. I know that there is a lot that I still have to accomplish and work on making better and I think that it would be easier if I had family that stood by me instead of against me, at least that's how it kind of feels.

 One day I hope that thing's will get better and smooth over, until then I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on me to better myself, even if it is alone.

Heart broken

I've had my heart broken serveral times but not like yesterday. I have been dealing with a lot this year already and it's only the end of May. In January I was raped. I felt and still do feel at times that it's my fault. I didn't do anything to stop him other then telling him no which didn't work. The aftermath is just as bad too. I was at the hospital for 7 1/2 hours and was put on meds that weren't nice to me. I had Dr. appointment after Dr. appointment and I just wanted to hide in a hole and never come out.  The end of January I got notice that I couldn't resign my lease and had to give my 30 day notice of moving out. So basically I was being kicked out. So along with all that comes with being raped and reporting it I now had to find a place to live. Money was tight as it was and I was in the cheapest apartments you can find in the Salt Lake area that were decent. I had no one I could really turn to. I didn't want to move back home and leave my job that I love so much. The first part of February I found out that I owed money to the last apartments I lived in because collections called me. The apartments didn't try to even contact me. When I moved out of there I tried several times to find out what I owed them and I got bounced around from person to person and was told that so and so would call me. No one ever did and I forgot about it. So now I have almost $800 that I had to come up with to pay so it didn't ruin my renting credit history. So I ended up making a payment plan with them so I didn't have to pay it all at once because I didn't have that money. That put a big damper on things for me. I was feeling so frustrated and discouraged and was just waiting at that point for something life altering to happen. Nothing was going right so why wouldn't things just get worse?

So I started looking for an apartment and soon got depressed and didn't want to do anything. I couldn't find anything in my price range that looked even decent. I went and looked at this place that looked cute in the pictures but found out that it was kinda a little trashy and in an area I didn't want to live in, oh and WAY to small. I wouldn't be able to fit my couch that I got myself for Christmas in it and I wasn't about to get rid of it. Even tho I really wanted to give up I knew I couldn't and I kept looking. I found this place that was closer to work and seemed nice. I went to go look a them and found out that there were no open apartments. She told me that if an application falls through then there would be but it's first come first serve. I asked if she knew when it could happen and she said she wasn't sure but she might have one that could fall through the next day and that I should call to see if it did or not. So I called first thing in the morning cause if it did fall through I wanted to be the first one so I could get the apartment. The application did fall through and I was the first one so I went after work to fill out an application. I was so excited and happy and thought maybe things were starting to turn around. Oh boy was I wrong. I got a call from them and they said that because I had that collections thing I hadn't paid off they can't rent to me until it's paid off. I asked if I paid it off if we would be able to keep going and they said yes and to let them know when I've paid it. So I started calling numbers they gave me and I got tossed around. After what seemed like forever I finally got a hold of the collections place and the guy I talked to so that I could pay it off. So that was done and I called and to let them know. There were some other little things we had to figure out but after all was said and done I was able to get the place. That was a hug relief. I hate moving! Packing sucks! I was doing it alone and had no help so I asked my neighbors upstairs if they would help me and thank goodness for them I got it done other wise I'm not sure I would have. Luckily I got help from the church to move and didn't have to do it alone like I had done before.

Things were going ok nothing big or discouraging was going on. I was talking to guys online but super scared to meet anyone so I never talked to anyone for very long. Then this guy messages me and and said that he'd like to talk and see if we could be friends. So we started talking and had great conversations. I felt comfortable talking to him. We eventually decided to meet but in a public place and met up at the place. He was super nice and didn't try anything. Didn't even ask for a hug. Lol. The next day I ended up going over to his place to hang out. While I was there my ex called. I didn't answer but he kept calling so I eventually did. I told him that I was hanging out with someone whom was a guy. He got all mad and what not. I was so confused cause I thought that we were going our seperate ways. He told me that he wanted to try to work things out with me and didn't want to lose me, that he wants me in his life. So I decided to give it a try and stopped talking to guys online and this guy I slowly stopped talking to. I haven't seen him since. So we have been working on things, talking more and he seemed like he really wanted to. He made plans to come back to Utah for  Memorial Day weekend to spend it with his kids. He asked me to get his girl up in Idaho because he was coming from Arkansas and wasn't sure if he'd get to Utah in time to go get them to then get to st George to meet up with his boys. Ok side note. When we had broken up he started dating someone. I knew they were kinda still together but he told me he didn't want to be with her and needed to get her out of his brothers place where she was living. Ok fine whatever I'll believe him. So all hell broke lose with her and my ex's brother was threatening to throw her out and call CPS and get her kid taken away. So he went and got her and was planning on bringing her down to st George to get out of there. I wasn't planning nor invited to go to st George with them. On my way back to Salt Lake from Idaho he called me and asked if I could take the girls down to st George the next morning because he had to get "her" and was planning on taking her that night. I said fine. The girls and I got home. I had told me ex that he needed to come give love to the girls before he left town so they weren't sad and have a hard night that I had to deal with. When he got there all three of them walked in the door and "she said, thank you for letting us stay here. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! That is NOT what I was told. I went into my room and my ex came in and I said, "stay the night?????" He said that they couldn't go down to st George that night. Are you kidding me? Were you even going to ask me? She totally dropped a bomb on me and I'm suppose to be completely fine with it? He left and I just fell on the floor in my closet and just sobbed. So to make her happy and not upset her him and I are just friends. In the morning I took Tink outside to go potty. We went back to bed cause everyone was still sleeping. A little while later my ex walks in and asks me why I was glaring at "her" I told him I wasn't and he said that she told me I went out there twice and glared at her both times! What a liar. I went out there once to take Tink outside and when I looked over there she was still sleeping. Are you kidding me? He said that I glared at her last night when they walked in. Really? I didn't mean too but she dropped a huge bomb on me and I was suppose to not react to it in anyway? I didn't mean to flat it was a reaction to the bomb. Well we got ready and left. I had the girls and wasn't even asked if "her" daughter could ride with us she just decided I'd take her. I have no say in anything and have to just do whatever they want me to. Whatever. So we were off. When we got down here things didn't go as they had planned. I was going to stay at my ex's grandpas place with his girls while he went and dropped of "her" and her daughter. When we got here we found out that my ex's brother was in town and I couldn't stay here. So I was tagging along. We stopped and got gas and I found out that where he was taking them he couldn't anymore cause they didn't want them there. So we went to a park to let the girls run around while they figured it out. Let me just say that I do not like "her" and was trying my best to be nice. We sat in the park and all I did was listen to her talk about everything that's been going on and them being together and staying together and my ex is her daughters dad. I was really struggling. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to walk away. I went and sat in my car for a little. He says he understands but he has no clue what he's put me through. After he found a place to take her we were able to talk a little and I told him that he had a choice to make, if he's going to let me go so I can move on and meet someone so I'm not alone the rest of my life because I don't want to be alone just so he's happy. So now we'll see what happens. All I know is my heart is broken. He has always made others more important then me and everyone else matters more then me. Sometimes I don't even know why I try.

What's my purpose?

Sometimes I feel like all I'm good for and will ever be good for is cooking, cleaning and making sure I make others happy and do things they want. Once in awhile I think that that's not right and that I need to not worry so much about making others happy but to focus on myself and be happy. When I think that I feel like I'm just being super selfish and so I go back to doing what others want and trying to make them happy. Today has been one of those days that I just feel like I can't do anything good enough and won't ever be able to. No matter how hard I try to be good enough or do good enough I feel like I fall short of getting there. It's so hard to tell yourself that you are good enough and that I can do things good enough. It's a battle that rages on in my head more often then I'd like it too. So how do I find the balance? Cause I know there has to be one. I think the thing I struggle most with dealing with these feelings is feeling like I'm selfish because I just want to be appreciated for what I do and get a thank you more often. Is it so bad to want to feel that way and get a thank you? Maybe it is and maybe it isn't but either way I feel selfish for wanting it. This is such a vicious cycle and I don't know how to stop it other then not caring that I am not appreciated or thanked for much. I don't want to get to the point that I don't care but I also am not sure how else to get through these feelings. I guess until I figure something else out learning to not care might be have to be it for now.

Wanting to be loved

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do it's never good enough? That not matter what choice you make its not going to make a difference? I do and it's not a good feeling to have. I have the hardest time explaining things and how I feel so other can understand but I am going to do my best.

 The past 3 1/2 years have been such a roller coaster for me and where I'm at now in life I never thought I'd be. I have buried things that I have felt and thought because I am so ashamed that I felt and thought that way. With everything that I've been through these last few years and choices I've made things keep piling up on those things I've buried and now..... I am struggling to know how to deal with it. I have my reasons of why I've done some of the things I've done but it hasn't helped solve things. I have been putting on a front for awhile now and I am having a harder time now pretending that I'm fine and life is great. But I feel like if  I don't pretend that's every thing's great and I show that I'm struggling and not ok, people are going to treat me different, tell me what I need to change and fix or their going to judge me and think that I'm not a good person to be around or associate with anymore. I'm not sure how true or valid these feelings are but they're real feelings I have and struggle with. Those that do know that I struggle and am not great, some of them I feel like they feel like they need to help me by fixing me. Have you ever felt like someone just wants to fix you? It's not a great feeling because it adds stress and weight in ways that it starts to feel like it's going to destroy you. It also makes you feel like you aren't loved because you aren't the way that people want to see you. So then you feel like you aren't good enough, that no one can love or care about you the way you are. So then you feel like you have to change but that change isn't the change you've made yourself. So is it really going to stick? Are you really going to stay that person? No of course not. You can try but you aren't going to be happy and will continue to die inside. This is something that I have been struggling with for a few months now. I have always struggled with trying to please others because I want to be excepted. But for some reason these past few months, these feelings and feelings and thoughts I have buried have started to resurface and have become a huge battle and nightmare. I don't want people to change how they treat me or talk to me so I just keep it to myself. Only a few people know most of it and only one person knows everything. The biggest struggle I'm dealing with now is being alone. I don't have friends to go do things with very often, I am not dating (I don't even know how to meet people anymore because all I've ever know is meeting people through church), so I spend all my time outside of work alone and it's not always a good thing.  I fight with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of, it would be better if I wasn't around anymore. Once I had my first thought of being better off dead was when I realized I needed help and it needed to be professional help. I hate it when I'm told that I need to just knock it off, change my thinking/attitude or just get over it. It's not that easy. Yes it can help but when it's become to the point that you don't want to live because you don't see a way out changing how you think, your attitude or just knocking it off isn't that easy. I know that I have people who love me and care about me but I also feel like I'm still not good enough because they want me to change. I want to be loved for who I am no matter what choices I make or how I live my life without that lingering feeling that I will never be good enough unless...........

Where to go from here?

These last few years have been something else. I feel like when I start getting a handle on thing's something happens and it's all a mess again. Satan is the worst. Not only does he get into my head but he likes to play games with me. Because of a mistake I made he is not letting me forget it and has been working extra hard on me to give in and let him win. He is so sneaky and deceiving that if I'm not on guard about thing's going on he gets the best of me. He uses one thing to get to another thing then to another and another. For the past 2 1/2 weeks I could feel thing's changing and not for the good. I could feel Satan poking just a little at a time and putting thoughts like, I'm alone, no one cares, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything good, etc. Having those thoughts in my head and increasing every day isn't good because I start feeling down and depressed which leads to not caring and lowering my guard. Because he's so sneaky and I was not thinking the right way I ended up doing something that has hurt me and caused me to start doubting everything I have been taught about the church. After what I did I immediately started trying to make it better and putting my guard back up but I obviously didn't get it up fast enough because I started wondering if the church was really even true. I had a time not to long ago that I had to make the choice to stay going to church or give it up but I never once doubting the truth of it. So why now? Why after everything that I went through and fought to turn my life around and be better would I doubt? I continued to pray and I more earnestly started studying topics to try and know, really know that the church is true and that I'm doing the right thing. The doubting and with what happened recently have made the feeling's of unworthy, not good enough, can't do anything right, can't win for trying that much more worse. Because I've doubted I feel like I can't step foot in the temple because why would I be going there when I'm unsure about the church. It's such an embarrassing thing to mess up, even a little, after I've been trying so hard to be good and do the right thing but to doubt the truthfulness of the gospel, that's awful. It's so hard to even think about what people are going to say and the thing's that I'm going to get told and what not. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough and never will be. I know that my faith is lacking a ton and I have to rebuild that up. I feel that the only thing that keeps me doing thing's like, going to church, reading/studying my scriptures and saying my prayers is hope, hope that I will feel something, that I will receive and answer, that I will know that I am loved and that I'm doing good and that it's all worth something. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to not let my emotions get the best of me and that I wont keep falling in this struggle that I'm facing. I wish that I didn't worry about how much I've disappointed people or how disappointed their going to be. I really wish sometimes I could just crawl in a hole and not face anyone. But........I know that that's not possible so I have to be strong and face it head on and hope that I feel love instead or disappointment.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

Life has been, shall we say, rough sense new years eve. I have been living with an elderly lady in Salt Lake sense November and it's been rough. She's negative, constantly complaining about everything and getting frustrated with everything because she can't do everything she use to be able to do. I get that and I can see how it's easier to be that way. I have tried to be positive and help her see the good in thing and see what thing's she still can do. Just before Christmas I was starting to have a hard time with how she has been towards me. I started feeling like I'm being smothered. New years eve I came home to a note on the door from her son saying that he's got some concerns but didn't tell me what they were. To this day he's not said anything to me. She told me that I'm never home and always over at my friends, which is so a lie because I don't have many friends and have probably been gone a handful of times other then work and church sense I moved in. She's really starting to forget more. I told her that I'm home more then she remembers. I told her that if she wanted me to be around her more she has be start being more positive. Being around negative people is really hard on me because of how negative I use to be and it drags me down so fast and I don't like what it does to me. Lately she'd been telling me that I need to eat more because I never eat. I get frustrated because when I don't want to eat I'm not going to and she doesn't understand that even though I've told her that several times. When I get stressed or upset I often stop eating as much. This last Friday, she went to the Dr's and is having a lot of health problems. So I was told that if I can't be at home every morning and every night to help her out I need to move out. So I have to move out because I don't want to give up my social life. I lost it and had a melt down. I have been stressed out enough already that I didn't need this. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to live. Saturday I went to the temple in hopes to receive some answers. The only thing I got was that I needed to delete Facebook off of my phone because its taking up too much of my time. I didn't know how that was going to help my situation but when I got home I did it I decided to read a devotional mom sent to me. In it, it talks about when Nephi was bound with cords by his brother and how he prayed not to have the Lord change his circumstances but for the Lord to give him the strength to change his circumstances himself. That really hit me because I have been just wanting the Lord to make thing's better. I realized that I need to start praying for strength to change thing's in my life. So now the problem is where do I live? I'm not making enough money at work to rent anything. I have a storage unit and don't want to be renting a room and paying for my storage so I'd rather get an apartment and furnish it and have roommates, then move in with someone that's already got it furnished. So if that's the case I would need to get a different job that I'd make more money at. I have the thought a couple of times to just move back home. In talking with some people I fell like if that's what I do their going to just think I'm taking the easy way out and not sticking this out. I haven't felt one way or the other if that's what I should do. Earlier today I was looking for jobs and updating my resume and just felt a little uneasy. Then tonight I have felt so uneasy about something that something's not right. I don't know what it is but I'm feeling sick because of it. I don't like this feeling because I feel sick for one and because I feel lost and alone. I know that the Lord will take care of me because He has thus far but I don't know how long it'll take for me to figure it out. All I know is I have to figure it out soon because who knows when I'm going to be told that I have to leave cause they found someone else. Fasting a prayer along with going to the temple is what I'm going to be doing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Where to go from here

Life has often thrown me for a loop and sometimes I've made some wrong choices that have thrown me for a loop. This last year has been pretty rough and I have gone from the lowest of lows, for me, and trying to pick myself back up to feeling like thing's are starting to work out only to have something else thrown at me. I moved down to Utah for a few reasons, one I got a job, two I wanted a new start and three I felt like this is where the Lord wanted me to be. I have often felt like I have lost so much because of some choices I've made and have no where to turn and no one to talk to. That feeling along with loneliness is really hard to deal with. Some days I can handle it and then there's other day that I have no clue how I'm going to get through it. I have been fighting satan so hard and wish that thing's would get a little better so it was bearable. I often think, why does everything happen all at once? Sometimes I think that I'm going through this to help me be able to handle something much worse and harder that will be down the road. I really wish that I had someone to talk to but have felt like no one cares or doesn't understand or I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. I try to stay positive and understand but sometimes it gets hard. I know that prayer works but I'm not hearing, understanding or feeling comfort no matter how much or hard I pray and then I start feeling frustrated. I don't know why but holidays always seem to be the hardest time for me and I feel even more lonely more often then other times. I started reading the Doctrine and Covenants a couple of weeks ago and I have been reading, Ask and ye shall receive, over and over. I have been pleading a lot for a couple of things, I wonder what I'm doing wrong with my prayers. I know what people will tell me and the advise they'd give but that hasn't helped me understand or feel better. I feel like anytime I express how I feel I get negative feedback and get told basically that I need to stop feeling that way, change things or stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I feel like I'm awful and shouldn't feel the way I do. The feelings don't go away and then I'm back at square one but don't dare talk about how I feel for fear or being told the same thing. I don't like feeling this way and wish I knew how to handle it better but I haven't figured it out yet. Other then dealing with it and pretending that I'm doing great and keep putting one foot in front of the other I don't know what more to do.
 With the feeling lonely and wanting to be in a relationship and get married, sometimes I feel like I'm being teased. There have been some guys that I've talked to and wanted to get to know better but for some reason they all seem to disappear or they become super weird and creepy. I feel like the only guys that want to talk to me are ones that are only after one thing. When I don't give in they either stop talking to me or make me feel guilty because I'm not being nice. What gives? I have a really hard time trusting people and what they say because I've been lied to one to many times. It's not keeping me from getting to know someone but when the same thing happens over and over I wonder why I even try. If I could get over the feeling lonely part I could deal with being single but that loneliness hasn't gone away, in fact it's gotten worse, not what I want to have happen. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck or where to go from here. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope that things will start getting better and I will feel a little more cared about and that I'm not always doing thing's wrong. But until then I will keep praying and hoping.