Where to go from here?

These last few years have been something else. I feel like when I start getting a handle on thing's something happens and it's all a mess again. Satan is the worst. Not only does he get into my head but he likes to play games with me. Because of a mistake I made he is not letting me forget it and has been working extra hard on me to give in and let him win. He is so sneaky and deceiving that if I'm not on guard about thing's going on he gets the best of me. He uses one thing to get to another thing then to another and another. For the past 2 1/2 weeks I could feel thing's changing and not for the good. I could feel Satan poking just a little at a time and putting thoughts like, I'm alone, no one cares, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything good, etc. Having those thoughts in my head and increasing every day isn't good because I start feeling down and depressed which leads to not caring and lowering my guard. Because he's so sneaky and I was not thinking the right way I ended up doing something that has hurt me and caused me to start doubting everything I have been taught about the church. After what I did I immediately started trying to make it better and putting my guard back up but I obviously didn't get it up fast enough because I started wondering if the church was really even true. I had a time not to long ago that I had to make the choice to stay going to church or give it up but I never once doubting the truth of it. So why now? Why after everything that I went through and fought to turn my life around and be better would I doubt? I continued to pray and I more earnestly started studying topics to try and know, really know that the church is true and that I'm doing the right thing. The doubting and with what happened recently have made the feeling's of unworthy, not good enough, can't do anything right, can't win for trying that much more worse. Because I've doubted I feel like I can't step foot in the temple because why would I be going there when I'm unsure about the church. It's such an embarrassing thing to mess up, even a little, after I've been trying so hard to be good and do the right thing but to doubt the truthfulness of the gospel, that's awful. It's so hard to even think about what people are going to say and the thing's that I'm going to get told and what not. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough and never will be. I know that my faith is lacking a ton and I have to rebuild that up. I feel that the only thing that keeps me doing thing's like, going to church, reading/studying my scriptures and saying my prayers is hope, hope that I will feel something, that I will receive and answer, that I will know that I am loved and that I'm doing good and that it's all worth something. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to not let my emotions get the best of me and that I wont keep falling in this struggle that I'm facing. I wish that I didn't worry about how much I've disappointed people or how disappointed their going to be. I really wish sometimes I could just crawl in a hole and not face anyone. But........I know that that's not possible so I have to be strong and face it head on and hope that I feel love instead or disappointment.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

Life has been, shall we say, rough sense new years eve. I have been living with an elderly lady in Salt Lake sense November and it's been rough. She's negative, constantly complaining about everything and getting frustrated with everything because she can't do everything she use to be able to do. I get that and I can see how it's easier to be that way. I have tried to be positive and help her see the good in thing and see what thing's she still can do. Just before Christmas I was starting to have a hard time with how she has been towards me. I started feeling like I'm being smothered. New years eve I came home to a note on the door from her son saying that he's got some concerns but didn't tell me what they were. To this day he's not said anything to me. She told me that I'm never home and always over at my friends, which is so a lie because I don't have many friends and have probably been gone a handful of times other then work and church sense I moved in. She's really starting to forget more. I told her that I'm home more then she remembers. I told her that if she wanted me to be around her more she has be start being more positive. Being around negative people is really hard on me because of how negative I use to be and it drags me down so fast and I don't like what it does to me. Lately she'd been telling me that I need to eat more because I never eat. I get frustrated because when I don't want to eat I'm not going to and she doesn't understand that even though I've told her that several times. When I get stressed or upset I often stop eating as much. This last Friday, she went to the Dr's and is having a lot of health problems. So I was told that if I can't be at home every morning and every night to help her out I need to move out. So I have to move out because I don't want to give up my social life. I lost it and had a melt down. I have been stressed out enough already that I didn't need this. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to live. Saturday I went to the temple in hopes to receive some answers. The only thing I got was that I needed to delete Facebook off of my phone because its taking up too much of my time. I didn't know how that was going to help my situation but when I got home I did it I decided to read a devotional mom sent to me. In it, it talks about when Nephi was bound with cords by his brother and how he prayed not to have the Lord change his circumstances but for the Lord to give him the strength to change his circumstances himself. That really hit me because I have been just wanting the Lord to make thing's better. I realized that I need to start praying for strength to change thing's in my life. So now the problem is where do I live? I'm not making enough money at work to rent anything. I have a storage unit and don't want to be renting a room and paying for my storage so I'd rather get an apartment and furnish it and have roommates, then move in with someone that's already got it furnished. So if that's the case I would need to get a different job that I'd make more money at. I have the thought a couple of times to just move back home. In talking with some people I fell like if that's what I do their going to just think I'm taking the easy way out and not sticking this out. I haven't felt one way or the other if that's what I should do. Earlier today I was looking for jobs and updating my resume and just felt a little uneasy. Then tonight I have felt so uneasy about something that something's not right. I don't know what it is but I'm feeling sick because of it. I don't like this feeling because I feel sick for one and because I feel lost and alone. I know that the Lord will take care of me because He has thus far but I don't know how long it'll take for me to figure it out. All I know is I have to figure it out soon because who knows when I'm going to be told that I have to leave cause they found someone else. Fasting a prayer along with going to the temple is what I'm going to be doing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.