Loneliness!

 I have never been one to have very many friends and the few that I have had have all gotten married or are getting married. I have one friend that isn't married but we don't live close enough that we get to see each other very often. I was looking through Facebook and saw a picture of a friend that is getting married in a few months and it made me start thinking about were life has taken me. It's not that I NEED to get married or NEED to be with someone but sometimes being alone gets to me and I get more depressed than I'd like to. Yes I have Kona but even having a dog doesn't cut the loneliness. I can talk to her but it's pretty much me just talking to myself. I think more than anything I just wish I had someone that I could talk to but not necessary have to hang out or go do anything. I like to be home, I don't really care to go out and do much but it gets really lonely not having someone that I can just talk to whenever. I know that people have lives and can't always talk or be there or whatever but it would be nice to find someone that wants to just talk. I've thought about trying to find a pen pal but everywhere I've looked it comes up as a dead end. I've done online dating site and those are mostly just a joke and creepy people. They all want something more. I just want to talk. I want to have good conversations and be able to open up to someone and not feel like they are going to use it for their benefit and take advantage of me somehow. I try to not get lonely or let being alone bother me but sometimes it just creeps up on me and I can't stop the feelings.
 Do you ever wonder what was it that brought you to where you are now? That if that one choice, one event or one mistake didn't happen or happened differently where you would be at in life? What was it that would of created a different out come and if it would be any better or worse? I do, I don't think about it often but have thought about it more than I probably should because I can't change the past, I can't fix what's already been done. I have to do my best with that life has given me and make the best of it. I can't say that I hate my life because I don't, I just wish that I wasn't alone all the time and that I had the strength to deal with things better and be the kind of person that someone wants to be with and fight for and love. Yes I want to be loved and I know that people love me but I don't feel like many care or maybe I should say, make the time to care. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I just don't want to deal with it anymore and even though I don't have thoughts of wishing I would die as often as I did before getting on antidepressants I still have to fight those thoughts every now and again and tonight is one of them because I am feeling so lonely and wishing that someone would take the time to reach out and care. So yes, that's what wanting someone to just talk to boils down to, someone taking the time to care.

Ups and Downs! Keep going or Give up?

It has been well over a year since I have posted anything due to so much stuff that I have been going through and dealing with. I have had way more downs than ups. My pup Tinkerbell died suddenly in Feb 2018 which broke my heart and left me feeling super empty. I thought that getting another puppy would help but it didn't, even tho I loved my new puppy she wasn't Tinkerbell and I realized that no puppy could EVER replace her. In the past 4 years I made choices that caused those downs. I made a choice to let someone into my life who ended up being emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I didn't have enough courage to leave him or kick him to the curb. He cheated on me several time, left me only to come back begging and I stupidly took him back because I loved him and didn't want to be alone. I even had family that was willing to help me get out and told me that I should put a restraining order against him but it was up to me and I ended up taking him back. He told me just over a year ago that he wanted to be with me and only me and was going to do everything he can to make things work with us. He went to Tennessee in June 2018 to work for his dad. We talked when we could, we texted as often as we could. I was OK with him being gone cause it was easier to live then having him around tearing me apart and making me feel like everything that went wrong was my fault and I wasn't good enough. On July 4th 2018 he told me that he was going over to a friends for a BBQ and fireworks. We didn't talk much after that day. Normally only when he was driving to work or driving home. He was over at the friends house a lot and that's why he couldn't talk to me cause he said that he was doing work for them to make some extra cash. In September I found out, from a girl that he was I guess friends with but she claimed that they were dating, that he had been seeing other girls and sleeping with at least one of them. I asked who it was and so I looked her up on Facebook and sure enough I found pictures of him with her and she wrote how happy she was to have such a great man in her life and how much she loved him. I asked him a month or so before finding this out if he was sleeping with anyone because I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was and he said no. He lied to me! I wanted to die! I asked him about it and he got super mad and angry at me because he had told me not to talk to the girl that told me. I laid in my bed thinking about going into my kitchen, grabbing a knife and cutting my wrists. No one would find out for awhile and I felt like no one would even care that I was gone. There was only one thing that that stopped me from slicing my wrists open, and that was Bella, the puppy that I got after Tink died. If it wasn't for her laying right next to me in bed I would have tried to kill myself. For months after that I was so depressed that it took everything to get up and go to work and function, acting as if nothing was wrong and I was happy. Every morning when I would wake up I wished that I would die. Every time I got into my car I wished that I would get into a car accident that was so bad I'd die. I hated life. I hated who I was. I had not support, no one to turn to, no one to talk to, I felt so alone, more than I think I ever had before. I worried what people would say to me if they found out that I thought about dying ALL the time. I worried that if I told anyone how I really felt they would tell me to pull myself out of it, think happy thoughts and be happy, to enjoy life and stop being so negative. I bottled so much up and stopped talking to so many people. I'd come home from work and get into bed, sometimes watch tv but most times just go to sleep. I had hit my rock bottom and had to get myself the help that I needed because I didn't feel like anyone cared enough to help or be there for me. My younger sister and I had a falling out in March 2018 and really haven't talked much since. She butted her nose into a situation that she wasn't involved in and said some very hurtful things. We talked about a few of the things and made amends for the most part but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to talk to her like I did before that all happened. I've had some really rough times with my family and have felt like they don't love me unconditionally because I don't live my life the way I used to. I don't go to church anymore or live a LDS lifestyle anymore and because of that I am less of a person in their eyes. Now whether that is how it really is or not that's how they have made me feel. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like I'm loved unconditionally. In Jan 2019 I decided enough was enough and I made an appointment to go see my Dr about my depression. I was tired of living that was and wanting and wishing to die all the time. I cried almost through the whole appointment but he got me on some medication. We had to figure out what was going to work for me and my body and help me function and feel better. We finally found one that I wasn't having side effects and that seemed to work. I don't want to die every morning I wake up. I don't wish that I'd get into a car accident every time I get into my car and I don't hate life so much anymore. Yes I still have my days that I am down and struggling with my depression. I still don't feel like I have anyone that I can turn to that will be there for me and not judge me or tell me what I need to do to make things better. I still feel so alone but I am also felling like I can work through that and make a life for myself that's just me and I can be happy. I don't NEED anyone, yes having someone would be nice but I don't need anyone. I still struggle to do anything other than go to work. I come home and don't want to go anywhere. Weekends come and I struggle to make myself go do something, most of the time I stay home and do nothing. But I have to look at the steps that I've made and be happy that I don't have those feelings of just wanting to die and be done with everything. Baby steps! As I accomplish one thing I can start on another and then another. This is not an easy process especially doing it alone and without support but I know that I can do it and I will be better for it one day.

Never Seems To Be Good Enough

  No matter how hard I try in whatever it may be it always seems like I get snapped at. I don't understand, I don't see how I'm the one that's always doing the wrong thing. I feel like I am a very giving and understanding person. One who will do anything that I can within reason to help someone I love or care about out. Because of this I know that I have been used a lot and taken advantage of.
 
  I have been struggling lately more then ever and have no one to turn to for help or even just to listen. I feel like because I live the way I live and am not active in the church anymore some people see me like I'm not a good person and getting help isn't without something expected of me. Whatever happened to doing things for other out of kindness? I know there are people who do but the ones around me don't. Maybe I'm sounding a little selfish or maybe even a lot selfish but I have stuck my neck out for a lot of people and have just gotten hurt in the end.

  I don't know how to break away from it and not care so much. I don't want to become a bitch and never do anything for anyone because I don't want people to see me that way. I've been told to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and/or use me but when I stand up to that person that said that to me, I'm the worst person in the world and I only think of myself. So really it's just crap no matter what I do. Either I'm miserable so someone else is happy or I feel guilty because the other person treats me like shit because I stood up for myself. I don't know what to do. I want to brake away from everyone and go some place new but it said that always running away is never going to work cause your problems follow you. SO then what? I'm sure that there's a way out but I know myself, I know that I am going to beat myself up because I stood up for myself and hurt the ones I love and care about. I struggle with feeling like I am worth anything or deserve anything better than what I have. Parents that are disappointed in me, siblings that either hate me, don't really know what's going on cause they are busy with their own life, put pressure on me because I'm not doing what they want me to do or being a better person and going back to church or taking a chance about one thing or another but ending up being hated or disowning me.

 I was struggling at lot with being alone as in not in a relationship but it's been more lately that I've been struggling with feeling alone and not wanted by my family. Because of thing's that have happened with my ex and thing's that I said I would do so get him out of my life and then not going through with it because it was going to be more emotionally draining then actually making it better, I have become the bad person and have been accused that I'm choosing my ex over my family. There have been a lot of things that have been said that really hurt and probably will never be forgotten. I get told that they just want to see me happy and that I need their help to get back to where I want to be but what they don't understand is that they are the ones that are causing the depression, sadness and loneliness by the things they say and they way I'm treated. Knowing that I don't have my family's support and that they don't have my back if I don't do what they want me to do hurts a lot. I am not asking for them to agree with the way that I live my life or the choices I make but at least for them to love me and be there for me no matter what and they don't seem to be. The thing that hurts the most and makes me so sad is that they are active members of the LDS church and one of the things that the church teaches is love unconditionally. If I don't do what they want me to do, I don't feel like they love me at all. It feels like their love is based on what they want. I can't talk to anyone of them about it because it gets turned around on me and it's all back to my fault and me being the bad person and treating my family wrong. Part of me just wants to distance myself from them and do my thing but I know that it will hurt my mom. I know that I've hurt my mom because of how I live my life but what about the hurt that I feel, doesn't that matter? If their love is depended on me doing what they want and living how they think I should then how is that being Christ-like and loving unconditionally? I'm not perfect and even though I am not active in the church anymore but I try to be understanding, excepting and there for people I love no matter what they do because I believe there is good in everyone no matter how they live their lives or what they do. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to agree with thing's like stealing and killing and anything in between because those are wrong but I still believe that there is good in those people somewhere.

 I have come along ways from where I was even 5 years ago. Yes I have become more depressed and over the last 3 years but I have also accomplished so much. I've got a great job, I live on my own and don't need the support of someone else and I keep learning and trying to be better. But that's still not good enough for anyone. Why is it that everyone seems to always look at and stay with the bad and wrong choices someone makes, never looking at the good and life them up with those thing's. Focusing on the bad tears a person down, I know from experience from family to friends. I know that there is a lot that I still have to accomplish and work on making better and I think that it would be easier if I had family that stood by me instead of against me, at least that's how it kind of feels.

 One day I hope that thing's will get better and smooth over, until then I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on me to better myself, even if it is alone.

Heart broken

I've had my heart broken serveral times but not like yesterday. I have been dealing with a lot this year already and it's only the end of May. In January I was raped. I felt and still do feel at times that it's my fault. I didn't do anything to stop him other then telling him no which didn't work. The aftermath is just as bad too. I was at the hospital for 7 1/2 hours and was put on meds that weren't nice to me. I had Dr. appointment after Dr. appointment and I just wanted to hide in a hole and never come out.  The end of January I got notice that I couldn't resign my lease and had to give my 30 day notice of moving out. So basically I was being kicked out. So along with all that comes with being raped and reporting it I now had to find a place to live. Money was tight as it was and I was in the cheapest apartments you can find in the Salt Lake area that were decent. I had no one I could really turn to. I didn't want to move back home and leave my job that I love so much. The first part of February I found out that I owed money to the last apartments I lived in because collections called me. The apartments didn't try to even contact me. When I moved out of there I tried several times to find out what I owed them and I got bounced around from person to person and was told that so and so would call me. No one ever did and I forgot about it. So now I have almost $800 that I had to come up with to pay so it didn't ruin my renting credit history. So I ended up making a payment plan with them so I didn't have to pay it all at once because I didn't have that money. That put a big damper on things for me. I was feeling so frustrated and discouraged and was just waiting at that point for something life altering to happen. Nothing was going right so why wouldn't things just get worse?

So I started looking for an apartment and soon got depressed and didn't want to do anything. I couldn't find anything in my price range that looked even decent. I went and looked at this place that looked cute in the pictures but found out that it was kinda a little trashy and in an area I didn't want to live in, oh and WAY to small. I wouldn't be able to fit my couch that I got myself for Christmas in it and I wasn't about to get rid of it. Even tho I really wanted to give up I knew I couldn't and I kept looking. I found this place that was closer to work and seemed nice. I went to go look a them and found out that there were no open apartments. She told me that if an application falls through then there would be but it's first come first serve. I asked if she knew when it could happen and she said she wasn't sure but she might have one that could fall through the next day and that I should call to see if it did or not. So I called first thing in the morning cause if it did fall through I wanted to be the first one so I could get the apartment. The application did fall through and I was the first one so I went after work to fill out an application. I was so excited and happy and thought maybe things were starting to turn around. Oh boy was I wrong. I got a call from them and they said that because I had that collections thing I hadn't paid off they can't rent to me until it's paid off. I asked if I paid it off if we would be able to keep going and they said yes and to let them know when I've paid it. So I started calling numbers they gave me and I got tossed around. After what seemed like forever I finally got a hold of the collections place and the guy I talked to so that I could pay it off. So that was done and I called and to let them know. There were some other little things we had to figure out but after all was said and done I was able to get the place. That was a hug relief. I hate moving! Packing sucks! I was doing it alone and had no help so I asked my neighbors upstairs if they would help me and thank goodness for them I got it done other wise I'm not sure I would have. Luckily I got help from the church to move and didn't have to do it alone like I had done before.

Things were going ok nothing big or discouraging was going on. I was talking to guys online but super scared to meet anyone so I never talked to anyone for very long. Then this guy messages me and and said that he'd like to talk and see if we could be friends. So we started talking and had great conversations. I felt comfortable talking to him. We eventually decided to meet but in a public place and met up at the place. He was super nice and didn't try anything. Didn't even ask for a hug. Lol. The next day I ended up going over to his place to hang out. While I was there my ex called. I didn't answer but he kept calling so I eventually did. I told him that I was hanging out with someone whom was a guy. He got all mad and what not. I was so confused cause I thought that we were going our seperate ways. He told me that he wanted to try to work things out with me and didn't want to lose me, that he wants me in his life. So I decided to give it a try and stopped talking to guys online and this guy I slowly stopped talking to. I haven't seen him since. So we have been working on things, talking more and he seemed like he really wanted to. He made plans to come back to Utah for  Memorial Day weekend to spend it with his kids. He asked me to get his girl up in Idaho because he was coming from Arkansas and wasn't sure if he'd get to Utah in time to go get them to then get to st George to meet up with his boys. Ok side note. When we had broken up he started dating someone. I knew they were kinda still together but he told me he didn't want to be with her and needed to get her out of his brothers place where she was living. Ok fine whatever I'll believe him. So all hell broke lose with her and my ex's brother was threatening to throw her out and call CPS and get her kid taken away. So he went and got her and was planning on bringing her down to st George to get out of there. I wasn't planning nor invited to go to st George with them. On my way back to Salt Lake from Idaho he called me and asked if I could take the girls down to st George the next morning because he had to get "her" and was planning on taking her that night. I said fine. The girls and I got home. I had told me ex that he needed to come give love to the girls before he left town so they weren't sad and have a hard night that I had to deal with. When he got there all three of them walked in the door and "she said, thank you for letting us stay here. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! That is NOT what I was told. I went into my room and my ex came in and I said, "stay the night?????" He said that they couldn't go down to st George that night. Are you kidding me? Were you even going to ask me? She totally dropped a bomb on me and I'm suppose to be completely fine with it? He left and I just fell on the floor in my closet and just sobbed. So to make her happy and not upset her him and I are just friends. In the morning I took Tink outside to go potty. We went back to bed cause everyone was still sleeping. A little while later my ex walks in and asks me why I was glaring at "her" I told him I wasn't and he said that she told me I went out there twice and glared at her both times! What a liar. I went out there once to take Tink outside and when I looked over there she was still sleeping. Are you kidding me? He said that I glared at her last night when they walked in. Really? I didn't mean too but she dropped a huge bomb on me and I was suppose to not react to it in anyway? I didn't mean to flat it was a reaction to the bomb. Well we got ready and left. I had the girls and wasn't even asked if "her" daughter could ride with us she just decided I'd take her. I have no say in anything and have to just do whatever they want me to. Whatever. So we were off. When we got down here things didn't go as they had planned. I was going to stay at my ex's grandpas place with his girls while he went and dropped of "her" and her daughter. When we got here we found out that my ex's brother was in town and I couldn't stay here. So I was tagging along. We stopped and got gas and I found out that where he was taking them he couldn't anymore cause they didn't want them there. So we went to a park to let the girls run around while they figured it out. Let me just say that I do not like "her" and was trying my best to be nice. We sat in the park and all I did was listen to her talk about everything that's been going on and them being together and staying together and my ex is her daughters dad. I was really struggling. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to walk away. I went and sat in my car for a little. He says he understands but he has no clue what he's put me through. After he found a place to take her we were able to talk a little and I told him that he had a choice to make, if he's going to let me go so I can move on and meet someone so I'm not alone the rest of my life because I don't want to be alone just so he's happy. So now we'll see what happens. All I know is my heart is broken. He has always made others more important then me and everyone else matters more then me. Sometimes I don't even know why I try.

What's my purpose?

Sometimes I feel like all I'm good for and will ever be good for is cooking, cleaning and making sure I make others happy and do things they want. Once in awhile I think that that's not right and that I need to not worry so much about making others happy but to focus on myself and be happy. When I think that I feel like I'm just being super selfish and so I go back to doing what others want and trying to make them happy. Today has been one of those days that I just feel like I can't do anything good enough and won't ever be able to. No matter how hard I try to be good enough or do good enough I feel like I fall short of getting there. It's so hard to tell yourself that you are good enough and that I can do things good enough. It's a battle that rages on in my head more often then I'd like it too. So how do I find the balance? Cause I know there has to be one. I think the thing I struggle most with dealing with these feelings is feeling like I'm selfish because I just want to be appreciated for what I do and get a thank you more often. Is it so bad to want to feel that way and get a thank you? Maybe it is and maybe it isn't but either way I feel selfish for wanting it. This is such a vicious cycle and I don't know how to stop it other then not caring that I am not appreciated or thanked for much. I don't want to get to the point that I don't care but I also am not sure how else to get through these feelings. I guess until I figure something else out learning to not care might be have to be it for now.

Wanting to be loved

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do it's never good enough? That not matter what choice you make its not going to make a difference? I do and it's not a good feeling to have. I have the hardest time explaining things and how I feel so other can understand but I am going to do my best.

 The past 3 1/2 years have been such a roller coaster for me and where I'm at now in life I never thought I'd be. I have buried things that I have felt and thought because I am so ashamed that I felt and thought that way. With everything that I've been through these last few years and choices I've made things keep piling up on those things I've buried and now..... I am struggling to know how to deal with it. I have my reasons of why I've done some of the things I've done but it hasn't helped solve things. I have been putting on a front for awhile now and I am having a harder time now pretending that I'm fine and life is great. But I feel like if  I don't pretend that's every thing's great and I show that I'm struggling and not ok, people are going to treat me different, tell me what I need to change and fix or their going to judge me and think that I'm not a good person to be around or associate with anymore. I'm not sure how true or valid these feelings are but they're real feelings I have and struggle with. Those that do know that I struggle and am not great, some of them I feel like they feel like they need to help me by fixing me. Have you ever felt like someone just wants to fix you? It's not a great feeling because it adds stress and weight in ways that it starts to feel like it's going to destroy you. It also makes you feel like you aren't loved because you aren't the way that people want to see you. So then you feel like you aren't good enough, that no one can love or care about you the way you are. So then you feel like you have to change but that change isn't the change you've made yourself. So is it really going to stick? Are you really going to stay that person? No of course not. You can try but you aren't going to be happy and will continue to die inside. This is something that I have been struggling with for a few months now. I have always struggled with trying to please others because I want to be excepted. But for some reason these past few months, these feelings and feelings and thoughts I have buried have started to resurface and have become a huge battle and nightmare. I don't want people to change how they treat me or talk to me so I just keep it to myself. Only a few people know most of it and only one person knows everything. The biggest struggle I'm dealing with now is being alone. I don't have friends to go do things with very often, I am not dating (I don't even know how to meet people anymore because all I've ever know is meeting people through church), so I spend all my time outside of work alone and it's not always a good thing.  I fight with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of, it would be better if I wasn't around anymore. Once I had my first thought of being better off dead was when I realized I needed help and it needed to be professional help. I hate it when I'm told that I need to just knock it off, change my thinking/attitude or just get over it. It's not that easy. Yes it can help but when it's become to the point that you don't want to live because you don't see a way out changing how you think, your attitude or just knocking it off isn't that easy. I know that I have people who love me and care about me but I also feel like I'm still not good enough because they want me to change. I want to be loved for who I am no matter what choices I make or how I live my life without that lingering feeling that I will never be good enough unless...........

Where to go from here?

These last few years have been something else. I feel like when I start getting a handle on thing's something happens and it's all a mess again. Satan is the worst. Not only does he get into my head but he likes to play games with me. Because of a mistake I made he is not letting me forget it and has been working extra hard on me to give in and let him win. He is so sneaky and deceiving that if I'm not on guard about thing's going on he gets the best of me. He uses one thing to get to another thing then to another and another. For the past 2 1/2 weeks I could feel thing's changing and not for the good. I could feel Satan poking just a little at a time and putting thoughts like, I'm alone, no one cares, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything good, etc. Having those thoughts in my head and increasing every day isn't good because I start feeling down and depressed which leads to not caring and lowering my guard. Because he's so sneaky and I was not thinking the right way I ended up doing something that has hurt me and caused me to start doubting everything I have been taught about the church. After what I did I immediately started trying to make it better and putting my guard back up but I obviously didn't get it up fast enough because I started wondering if the church was really even true. I had a time not to long ago that I had to make the choice to stay going to church or give it up but I never once doubting the truth of it. So why now? Why after everything that I went through and fought to turn my life around and be better would I doubt? I continued to pray and I more earnestly started studying topics to try and know, really know that the church is true and that I'm doing the right thing. The doubting and with what happened recently have made the feeling's of unworthy, not good enough, can't do anything right, can't win for trying that much more worse. Because I've doubted I feel like I can't step foot in the temple because why would I be going there when I'm unsure about the church. It's such an embarrassing thing to mess up, even a little, after I've been trying so hard to be good and do the right thing but to doubt the truthfulness of the gospel, that's awful. It's so hard to even think about what people are going to say and the thing's that I'm going to get told and what not. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough and never will be. I know that my faith is lacking a ton and I have to rebuild that up. I feel that the only thing that keeps me doing thing's like, going to church, reading/studying my scriptures and saying my prayers is hope, hope that I will feel something, that I will receive and answer, that I will know that I am loved and that I'm doing good and that it's all worth something. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to not let my emotions get the best of me and that I wont keep falling in this struggle that I'm facing. I wish that I didn't worry about how much I've disappointed people or how disappointed their going to be. I really wish sometimes I could just crawl in a hole and not face anyone. But........I know that that's not possible so I have to be strong and face it head on and hope that I feel love instead or disappointment.