Loneliness!

 I have never been one to have very many friends and the few that I have had have all gotten married or are getting married. I have one friend that isn't married but we don't live close enough that we get to see each other very often. I was looking through Facebook and saw a picture of a friend that is getting married in a few months and it made me start thinking about were life has taken me. It's not that I NEED to get married or NEED to be with someone but sometimes being alone gets to me and I get more depressed than I'd like to. Yes I have Kona but even having a dog doesn't cut the loneliness. I can talk to her but it's pretty much me just talking to myself. I think more than anything I just wish I had someone that I could talk to but not necessary have to hang out or go do anything. I like to be home, I don't really care to go out and do much but it gets really lonely not having someone that I can just talk to whenever. I know that people have lives and can't always talk or be there or whatever but it would be nice to find someone that wants to just talk. I've thought about trying to find a pen pal but everywhere I've looked it comes up as a dead end. I've done online dating site and those are mostly just a joke and creepy people. They all want something more. I just want to talk. I want to have good conversations and be able to open up to someone and not feel like they are going to use it for their benefit and take advantage of me somehow. I try to not get lonely or let being alone bother me but sometimes it just creeps up on me and I can't stop the feelings.
 Do you ever wonder what was it that brought you to where you are now? That if that one choice, one event or one mistake didn't happen or happened differently where you would be at in life? What was it that would of created a different out come and if it would be any better or worse? I do, I don't think about it often but have thought about it more than I probably should because I can't change the past, I can't fix what's already been done. I have to do my best with that life has given me and make the best of it. I can't say that I hate my life because I don't, I just wish that I wasn't alone all the time and that I had the strength to deal with things better and be the kind of person that someone wants to be with and fight for and love. Yes I want to be loved and I know that people love me but I don't feel like many care or maybe I should say, make the time to care. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I just don't want to deal with it anymore and even though I don't have thoughts of wishing I would die as often as I did before getting on antidepressants I still have to fight those thoughts every now and again and tonight is one of them because I am feeling so lonely and wishing that someone would take the time to reach out and care. So yes, that's what wanting someone to just talk to boils down to, someone taking the time to care.

Ups and Downs! Keep going or Give up?

It has been well over a year since I have posted anything due to so much stuff that I have been going through and dealing with. I have had way more downs than ups. My pup Tinkerbell died suddenly in Feb 2018 which broke my heart and left me feeling super empty. I thought that getting another puppy would help but it didn't, even tho I loved my new puppy she wasn't Tinkerbell and I realized that no puppy could EVER replace her. In the past 4 years I made choices that caused those downs. I made a choice to let someone into my life who ended up being emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I didn't have enough courage to leave him or kick him to the curb. He cheated on me several time, left me only to come back begging and I stupidly took him back because I loved him and didn't want to be alone. I even had family that was willing to help me get out and told me that I should put a restraining order against him but it was up to me and I ended up taking him back. He told me just over a year ago that he wanted to be with me and only me and was going to do everything he can to make things work with us. He went to Tennessee in June 2018 to work for his dad. We talked when we could, we texted as often as we could. I was OK with him being gone cause it was easier to live then having him around tearing me apart and making me feel like everything that went wrong was my fault and I wasn't good enough. On July 4th 2018 he told me that he was going over to a friends for a BBQ and fireworks. We didn't talk much after that day. Normally only when he was driving to work or driving home. He was over at the friends house a lot and that's why he couldn't talk to me cause he said that he was doing work for them to make some extra cash. In September I found out, from a girl that he was I guess friends with but she claimed that they were dating, that he had been seeing other girls and sleeping with at least one of them. I asked who it was and so I looked her up on Facebook and sure enough I found pictures of him with her and she wrote how happy she was to have such a great man in her life and how much she loved him. I asked him a month or so before finding this out if he was sleeping with anyone because I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was and he said no. He lied to me! I wanted to die! I asked him about it and he got super mad and angry at me because he had told me not to talk to the girl that told me. I laid in my bed thinking about going into my kitchen, grabbing a knife and cutting my wrists. No one would find out for awhile and I felt like no one would even care that I was gone. There was only one thing that that stopped me from slicing my wrists open, and that was Bella, the puppy that I got after Tink died. If it wasn't for her laying right next to me in bed I would have tried to kill myself. For months after that I was so depressed that it took everything to get up and go to work and function, acting as if nothing was wrong and I was happy. Every morning when I would wake up I wished that I would die. Every time I got into my car I wished that I would get into a car accident that was so bad I'd die. I hated life. I hated who I was. I had not support, no one to turn to, no one to talk to, I felt so alone, more than I think I ever had before. I worried what people would say to me if they found out that I thought about dying ALL the time. I worried that if I told anyone how I really felt they would tell me to pull myself out of it, think happy thoughts and be happy, to enjoy life and stop being so negative. I bottled so much up and stopped talking to so many people. I'd come home from work and get into bed, sometimes watch tv but most times just go to sleep. I had hit my rock bottom and had to get myself the help that I needed because I didn't feel like anyone cared enough to help or be there for me. My younger sister and I had a falling out in March 2018 and really haven't talked much since. She butted her nose into a situation that she wasn't involved in and said some very hurtful things. We talked about a few of the things and made amends for the most part but I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to talk to her like I did before that all happened. I've had some really rough times with my family and have felt like they don't love me unconditionally because I don't live my life the way I used to. I don't go to church anymore or live a LDS lifestyle anymore and because of that I am less of a person in their eyes. Now whether that is how it really is or not that's how they have made me feel. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel like I'm loved unconditionally. In Jan 2019 I decided enough was enough and I made an appointment to go see my Dr about my depression. I was tired of living that was and wanting and wishing to die all the time. I cried almost through the whole appointment but he got me on some medication. We had to figure out what was going to work for me and my body and help me function and feel better. We finally found one that I wasn't having side effects and that seemed to work. I don't want to die every morning I wake up. I don't wish that I'd get into a car accident every time I get into my car and I don't hate life so much anymore. Yes I still have my days that I am down and struggling with my depression. I still don't feel like I have anyone that I can turn to that will be there for me and not judge me or tell me what I need to do to make things better. I still feel so alone but I am also felling like I can work through that and make a life for myself that's just me and I can be happy. I don't NEED anyone, yes having someone would be nice but I don't need anyone. I still struggle to do anything other than go to work. I come home and don't want to go anywhere. Weekends come and I struggle to make myself go do something, most of the time I stay home and do nothing. But I have to look at the steps that I've made and be happy that I don't have those feelings of just wanting to die and be done with everything. Baby steps! As I accomplish one thing I can start on another and then another. This is not an easy process especially doing it alone and without support but I know that I can do it and I will be better for it one day.