No matter how hard I try in whatever it may be it always seems like I get snapped at. I don't understand, I don't see how I'm the one that's always doing the wrong thing. I feel like I am a very giving and understanding person. One who will do anything that I can within reason to help someone I love or care about out. Because of this I know that I have been used a lot and taken advantage of.
I have been struggling lately more then ever and have no one to turn to for help or even just to listen. I feel like because I live the way I live and am not active in the church anymore some people see me like I'm not a good person and getting help isn't without something expected of me. Whatever happened to doing things for other out of kindness? I know there are people who do but the ones around me don't. Maybe I'm sounding a little selfish or maybe even a lot selfish but I have stuck my neck out for a lot of people and have just gotten hurt in the end.
I don't know how to break away from it and not care so much. I don't want to become a bitch and never do anything for anyone because I don't want people to see me that way. I've been told to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and/or use me but when I stand up to that person that said that to me, I'm the worst person in the world and I only think of myself. So really it's just crap no matter what I do. Either I'm miserable so someone else is happy or I feel guilty because the other person treats me like shit because I stood up for myself. I don't know what to do. I want to brake away from everyone and go some place new but it said that always running away is never going to work cause your problems follow you. SO then what? I'm sure that there's a way out but I know myself, I know that I am going to beat myself up because I stood up for myself and hurt the ones I love and care about. I struggle with feeling like I am worth anything or deserve anything better than what I have. Parents that are disappointed in me, siblings that either hate me, don't really know what's going on cause they are busy with their own life, put pressure on me because I'm not doing what they want me to do or being a better person and going back to church or taking a chance about one thing or another but ending up being hated or disowning me.
I was struggling at lot with being alone as in not in a relationship but it's been more lately that I've been struggling with feeling alone and not wanted by my family. Because of thing's that have happened with my ex and thing's that I said I would do so get him out of my life and then not going through with it because it was going to be more emotionally draining then actually making it better, I have become the bad person and have been accused that I'm choosing my ex over my family. There have been a lot of things that have been said that really hurt and probably will never be forgotten. I get told that they just want to see me happy and that I need their help to get back to where I want to be but what they don't understand is that they are the ones that are causing the depression, sadness and loneliness by the things they say and they way I'm treated. Knowing that I don't have my family's support and that they don't have my back if I don't do what they want me to do hurts a lot. I am not asking for them to agree with the way that I live my life or the choices I make but at least for them to love me and be there for me no matter what and they don't seem to be. The thing that hurts the most and makes me so sad is that they are active members of the LDS church and one of the things that the church teaches is love unconditionally. If I don't do what they want me to do, I don't feel like they love me at all. It feels like their love is based on what they want. I can't talk to anyone of them about it because it gets turned around on me and it's all back to my fault and me being the bad person and treating my family wrong. Part of me just wants to distance myself from them and do my thing but I know that it will hurt my mom. I know that I've hurt my mom because of how I live my life but what about the hurt that I feel, doesn't that matter? If their love is depended on me doing what they want and living how they think I should then how is that being Christ-like and loving unconditionally? I'm not perfect and even though I am not active in the church anymore but I try to be understanding, excepting and there for people I love no matter what they do because I believe there is good in everyone no matter how they live their lives or what they do. Now I'm not saying that I'm going to agree with thing's like stealing and killing and anything in between because those are wrong but I still believe that there is good in those people somewhere.
I have come along ways from where I was even 5 years ago. Yes I have become more depressed and over the last 3 years but I have also accomplished so much. I've got a great job, I live on my own and don't need the support of someone else and I keep learning and trying to be better. But that's still not good enough for anyone. Why is it that everyone seems to always look at and stay with the bad and wrong choices someone makes, never looking at the good and life them up with those thing's. Focusing on the bad tears a person down, I know from experience from family to friends. I know that there is a lot that I still have to accomplish and work on making better and I think that it would be easier if I had family that stood by me instead of against me, at least that's how it kind of feels.
One day I hope that thing's will get better and smooth over, until then I will keep doing what I'm doing and working on me to better myself, even if it is alone.
