Heart broken

I've had my heart broken serveral times but not like yesterday. I have been dealing with a lot this year already and it's only the end of May. In January I was raped. I felt and still do feel at times that it's my fault. I didn't do anything to stop him other then telling him no which didn't work. The aftermath is just as bad too. I was at the hospital for 7 1/2 hours and was put on meds that weren't nice to me. I had Dr. appointment after Dr. appointment and I just wanted to hide in a hole and never come out.  The end of January I got notice that I couldn't resign my lease and had to give my 30 day notice of moving out. So basically I was being kicked out. So along with all that comes with being raped and reporting it I now had to find a place to live. Money was tight as it was and I was in the cheapest apartments you can find in the Salt Lake area that were decent. I had no one I could really turn to. I didn't want to move back home and leave my job that I love so much. The first part of February I found out that I owed money to the last apartments I lived in because collections called me. The apartments didn't try to even contact me. When I moved out of there I tried several times to find out what I owed them and I got bounced around from person to person and was told that so and so would call me. No one ever did and I forgot about it. So now I have almost $800 that I had to come up with to pay so it didn't ruin my renting credit history. So I ended up making a payment plan with them so I didn't have to pay it all at once because I didn't have that money. That put a big damper on things for me. I was feeling so frustrated and discouraged and was just waiting at that point for something life altering to happen. Nothing was going right so why wouldn't things just get worse?

So I started looking for an apartment and soon got depressed and didn't want to do anything. I couldn't find anything in my price range that looked even decent. I went and looked at this place that looked cute in the pictures but found out that it was kinda a little trashy and in an area I didn't want to live in, oh and WAY to small. I wouldn't be able to fit my couch that I got myself for Christmas in it and I wasn't about to get rid of it. Even tho I really wanted to give up I knew I couldn't and I kept looking. I found this place that was closer to work and seemed nice. I went to go look a them and found out that there were no open apartments. She told me that if an application falls through then there would be but it's first come first serve. I asked if she knew when it could happen and she said she wasn't sure but she might have one that could fall through the next day and that I should call to see if it did or not. So I called first thing in the morning cause if it did fall through I wanted to be the first one so I could get the apartment. The application did fall through and I was the first one so I went after work to fill out an application. I was so excited and happy and thought maybe things were starting to turn around. Oh boy was I wrong. I got a call from them and they said that because I had that collections thing I hadn't paid off they can't rent to me until it's paid off. I asked if I paid it off if we would be able to keep going and they said yes and to let them know when I've paid it. So I started calling numbers they gave me and I got tossed around. After what seemed like forever I finally got a hold of the collections place and the guy I talked to so that I could pay it off. So that was done and I called and to let them know. There were some other little things we had to figure out but after all was said and done I was able to get the place. That was a hug relief. I hate moving! Packing sucks! I was doing it alone and had no help so I asked my neighbors upstairs if they would help me and thank goodness for them I got it done other wise I'm not sure I would have. Luckily I got help from the church to move and didn't have to do it alone like I had done before.

Things were going ok nothing big or discouraging was going on. I was talking to guys online but super scared to meet anyone so I never talked to anyone for very long. Then this guy messages me and and said that he'd like to talk and see if we could be friends. So we started talking and had great conversations. I felt comfortable talking to him. We eventually decided to meet but in a public place and met up at the place. He was super nice and didn't try anything. Didn't even ask for a hug. Lol. The next day I ended up going over to his place to hang out. While I was there my ex called. I didn't answer but he kept calling so I eventually did. I told him that I was hanging out with someone whom was a guy. He got all mad and what not. I was so confused cause I thought that we were going our seperate ways. He told me that he wanted to try to work things out with me and didn't want to lose me, that he wants me in his life. So I decided to give it a try and stopped talking to guys online and this guy I slowly stopped talking to. I haven't seen him since. So we have been working on things, talking more and he seemed like he really wanted to. He made plans to come back to Utah for  Memorial Day weekend to spend it with his kids. He asked me to get his girl up in Idaho because he was coming from Arkansas and wasn't sure if he'd get to Utah in time to go get them to then get to st George to meet up with his boys. Ok side note. When we had broken up he started dating someone. I knew they were kinda still together but he told me he didn't want to be with her and needed to get her out of his brothers place where she was living. Ok fine whatever I'll believe him. So all hell broke lose with her and my ex's brother was threatening to throw her out and call CPS and get her kid taken away. So he went and got her and was planning on bringing her down to st George to get out of there. I wasn't planning nor invited to go to st George with them. On my way back to Salt Lake from Idaho he called me and asked if I could take the girls down to st George the next morning because he had to get "her" and was planning on taking her that night. I said fine. The girls and I got home. I had told me ex that he needed to come give love to the girls before he left town so they weren't sad and have a hard night that I had to deal with. When he got there all three of them walked in the door and "she said, thank you for letting us stay here. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!! That is NOT what I was told. I went into my room and my ex came in and I said, "stay the night?????" He said that they couldn't go down to st George that night. Are you kidding me? Were you even going to ask me? She totally dropped a bomb on me and I'm suppose to be completely fine with it? He left and I just fell on the floor in my closet and just sobbed. So to make her happy and not upset her him and I are just friends. In the morning I took Tink outside to go potty. We went back to bed cause everyone was still sleeping. A little while later my ex walks in and asks me why I was glaring at "her" I told him I wasn't and he said that she told me I went out there twice and glared at her both times! What a liar. I went out there once to take Tink outside and when I looked over there she was still sleeping. Are you kidding me? He said that I glared at her last night when they walked in. Really? I didn't mean too but she dropped a huge bomb on me and I was suppose to not react to it in anyway? I didn't mean to flat it was a reaction to the bomb. Well we got ready and left. I had the girls and wasn't even asked if "her" daughter could ride with us she just decided I'd take her. I have no say in anything and have to just do whatever they want me to. Whatever. So we were off. When we got down here things didn't go as they had planned. I was going to stay at my ex's grandpas place with his girls while he went and dropped of "her" and her daughter. When we got here we found out that my ex's brother was in town and I couldn't stay here. So I was tagging along. We stopped and got gas and I found out that where he was taking them he couldn't anymore cause they didn't want them there. So we went to a park to let the girls run around while they figured it out. Let me just say that I do not like "her" and was trying my best to be nice. We sat in the park and all I did was listen to her talk about everything that's been going on and them being together and staying together and my ex is her daughters dad. I was really struggling. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to walk away. I went and sat in my car for a little. He says he understands but he has no clue what he's put me through. After he found a place to take her we were able to talk a little and I told him that he had a choice to make, if he's going to let me go so I can move on and meet someone so I'm not alone the rest of my life because I don't want to be alone just so he's happy. So now we'll see what happens. All I know is my heart is broken. He has always made others more important then me and everyone else matters more then me. Sometimes I don't even know why I try.