Wanting to be loved

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do it's never good enough? That not matter what choice you make its not going to make a difference? I do and it's not a good feeling to have. I have the hardest time explaining things and how I feel so other can understand but I am going to do my best.

 The past 3 1/2 years have been such a roller coaster for me and where I'm at now in life I never thought I'd be. I have buried things that I have felt and thought because I am so ashamed that I felt and thought that way. With everything that I've been through these last few years and choices I've made things keep piling up on those things I've buried and now..... I am struggling to know how to deal with it. I have my reasons of why I've done some of the things I've done but it hasn't helped solve things. I have been putting on a front for awhile now and I am having a harder time now pretending that I'm fine and life is great. But I feel like if  I don't pretend that's every thing's great and I show that I'm struggling and not ok, people are going to treat me different, tell me what I need to change and fix or their going to judge me and think that I'm not a good person to be around or associate with anymore. I'm not sure how true or valid these feelings are but they're real feelings I have and struggle with. Those that do know that I struggle and am not great, some of them I feel like they feel like they need to help me by fixing me. Have you ever felt like someone just wants to fix you? It's not a great feeling because it adds stress and weight in ways that it starts to feel like it's going to destroy you. It also makes you feel like you aren't loved because you aren't the way that people want to see you. So then you feel like you aren't good enough, that no one can love or care about you the way you are. So then you feel like you have to change but that change isn't the change you've made yourself. So is it really going to stick? Are you really going to stay that person? No of course not. You can try but you aren't going to be happy and will continue to die inside. This is something that I have been struggling with for a few months now. I have always struggled with trying to please others because I want to be excepted. But for some reason these past few months, these feelings and feelings and thoughts I have buried have started to resurface and have become a huge battle and nightmare. I don't want people to change how they treat me or talk to me so I just keep it to myself. Only a few people know most of it and only one person knows everything. The biggest struggle I'm dealing with now is being alone. I don't have friends to go do things with very often, I am not dating (I don't even know how to meet people anymore because all I've ever know is meeting people through church), so I spend all my time outside of work alone and it's not always a good thing.  I fight with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of, it would be better if I wasn't around anymore. Once I had my first thought of being better off dead was when I realized I needed help and it needed to be professional help. I hate it when I'm told that I need to just knock it off, change my thinking/attitude or just get over it. It's not that easy. Yes it can help but when it's become to the point that you don't want to live because you don't see a way out changing how you think, your attitude or just knocking it off isn't that easy. I know that I have people who love me and care about me but I also feel like I'm still not good enough because they want me to change. I want to be loved for who I am no matter what choices I make or how I live my life without that lingering feeling that I will never be good enough unless...........