Where to go from here?

These last few years have been something else. I feel like when I start getting a handle on thing's something happens and it's all a mess again. Satan is the worst. Not only does he get into my head but he likes to play games with me. Because of a mistake I made he is not letting me forget it and has been working extra hard on me to give in and let him win. He is so sneaky and deceiving that if I'm not on guard about thing's going on he gets the best of me. He uses one thing to get to another thing then to another and another. For the past 2 1/2 weeks I could feel thing's changing and not for the good. I could feel Satan poking just a little at a time and putting thoughts like, I'm alone, no one cares, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything good, etc. Having those thoughts in my head and increasing every day isn't good because I start feeling down and depressed which leads to not caring and lowering my guard. Because he's so sneaky and I was not thinking the right way I ended up doing something that has hurt me and caused me to start doubting everything I have been taught about the church. After what I did I immediately started trying to make it better and putting my guard back up but I obviously didn't get it up fast enough because I started wondering if the church was really even true. I had a time not to long ago that I had to make the choice to stay going to church or give it up but I never once doubting the truth of it. So why now? Why after everything that I went through and fought to turn my life around and be better would I doubt? I continued to pray and I more earnestly started studying topics to try and know, really know that the church is true and that I'm doing the right thing. The doubting and with what happened recently have made the feeling's of unworthy, not good enough, can't do anything right, can't win for trying that much more worse. Because I've doubted I feel like I can't step foot in the temple because why would I be going there when I'm unsure about the church. It's such an embarrassing thing to mess up, even a little, after I've been trying so hard to be good and do the right thing but to doubt the truthfulness of the gospel, that's awful. It's so hard to even think about what people are going to say and the thing's that I'm going to get told and what not. I feel like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough and never will be. I know that my faith is lacking a ton and I have to rebuild that up. I feel that the only thing that keeps me doing thing's like, going to church, reading/studying my scriptures and saying my prayers is hope, hope that I will feel something, that I will receive and answer, that I will know that I am loved and that I'm doing good and that it's all worth something. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to not let my emotions get the best of me and that I wont keep falling in this struggle that I'm facing. I wish that I didn't worry about how much I've disappointed people or how disappointed their going to be. I really wish sometimes I could just crawl in a hole and not face anyone. But........I know that that's not possible so I have to be strong and face it head on and hope that I feel love instead or disappointment.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

Life has been, shall we say, rough sense new years eve. I have been living with an elderly lady in Salt Lake sense November and it's been rough. She's negative, constantly complaining about everything and getting frustrated with everything because she can't do everything she use to be able to do. I get that and I can see how it's easier to be that way. I have tried to be positive and help her see the good in thing and see what thing's she still can do. Just before Christmas I was starting to have a hard time with how she has been towards me. I started feeling like I'm being smothered. New years eve I came home to a note on the door from her son saying that he's got some concerns but didn't tell me what they were. To this day he's not said anything to me. She told me that I'm never home and always over at my friends, which is so a lie because I don't have many friends and have probably been gone a handful of times other then work and church sense I moved in. She's really starting to forget more. I told her that I'm home more then she remembers. I told her that if she wanted me to be around her more she has be start being more positive. Being around negative people is really hard on me because of how negative I use to be and it drags me down so fast and I don't like what it does to me. Lately she'd been telling me that I need to eat more because I never eat. I get frustrated because when I don't want to eat I'm not going to and she doesn't understand that even though I've told her that several times. When I get stressed or upset I often stop eating as much. This last Friday, she went to the Dr's and is having a lot of health problems. So I was told that if I can't be at home every morning and every night to help her out I need to move out. So I have to move out because I don't want to give up my social life. I lost it and had a melt down. I have been stressed out enough already that I didn't need this. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to live. Saturday I went to the temple in hopes to receive some answers. The only thing I got was that I needed to delete Facebook off of my phone because its taking up too much of my time. I didn't know how that was going to help my situation but when I got home I did it I decided to read a devotional mom sent to me. In it, it talks about when Nephi was bound with cords by his brother and how he prayed not to have the Lord change his circumstances but for the Lord to give him the strength to change his circumstances himself. That really hit me because I have been just wanting the Lord to make thing's better. I realized that I need to start praying for strength to change thing's in my life. So now the problem is where do I live? I'm not making enough money at work to rent anything. I have a storage unit and don't want to be renting a room and paying for my storage so I'd rather get an apartment and furnish it and have roommates, then move in with someone that's already got it furnished. So if that's the case I would need to get a different job that I'd make more money at. I have the thought a couple of times to just move back home. In talking with some people I fell like if that's what I do their going to just think I'm taking the easy way out and not sticking this out. I haven't felt one way or the other if that's what I should do. Earlier today I was looking for jobs and updating my resume and just felt a little uneasy. Then tonight I have felt so uneasy about something that something's not right. I don't know what it is but I'm feeling sick because of it. I don't like this feeling because I feel sick for one and because I feel lost and alone. I know that the Lord will take care of me because He has thus far but I don't know how long it'll take for me to figure it out. All I know is I have to figure it out soon because who knows when I'm going to be told that I have to leave cause they found someone else. Fasting a prayer along with going to the temple is what I'm going to be doing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Where to go from here

Life has often thrown me for a loop and sometimes I've made some wrong choices that have thrown me for a loop. This last year has been pretty rough and I have gone from the lowest of lows, for me, and trying to pick myself back up to feeling like thing's are starting to work out only to have something else thrown at me. I moved down to Utah for a few reasons, one I got a job, two I wanted a new start and three I felt like this is where the Lord wanted me to be. I have often felt like I have lost so much because of some choices I've made and have no where to turn and no one to talk to. That feeling along with loneliness is really hard to deal with. Some days I can handle it and then there's other day that I have no clue how I'm going to get through it. I have been fighting satan so hard and wish that thing's would get a little better so it was bearable. I often think, why does everything happen all at once? Sometimes I think that I'm going through this to help me be able to handle something much worse and harder that will be down the road. I really wish that I had someone to talk to but have felt like no one cares or doesn't understand or I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. I try to stay positive and understand but sometimes it gets hard. I know that prayer works but I'm not hearing, understanding or feeling comfort no matter how much or hard I pray and then I start feeling frustrated. I don't know why but holidays always seem to be the hardest time for me and I feel even more lonely more often then other times. I started reading the Doctrine and Covenants a couple of weeks ago and I have been reading, Ask and ye shall receive, over and over. I have been pleading a lot for a couple of things, I wonder what I'm doing wrong with my prayers. I know what people will tell me and the advise they'd give but that hasn't helped me understand or feel better. I feel like anytime I express how I feel I get negative feedback and get told basically that I need to stop feeling that way, change things or stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I feel like I'm awful and shouldn't feel the way I do. The feelings don't go away and then I'm back at square one but don't dare talk about how I feel for fear or being told the same thing. I don't like feeling this way and wish I knew how to handle it better but I haven't figured it out yet. Other then dealing with it and pretending that I'm doing great and keep putting one foot in front of the other I don't know what more to do.
 With the feeling lonely and wanting to be in a relationship and get married, sometimes I feel like I'm being teased. There have been some guys that I've talked to and wanted to get to know better but for some reason they all seem to disappear or they become super weird and creepy. I feel like the only guys that want to talk to me are ones that are only after one thing. When I don't give in they either stop talking to me or make me feel guilty because I'm not being nice. What gives? I have a really hard time trusting people and what they say because I've been lied to one to many times. It's not keeping me from getting to know someone but when the same thing happens over and over I wonder why I even try. If I could get over the feeling lonely part I could deal with being single but that loneliness hasn't gone away, in fact it's gotten worse, not what I want to have happen. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck or where to go from here. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope that things will start getting better and I will feel a little more cared about and that I'm not always doing thing's wrong. But until then I will keep praying and hoping.

And so it continues............

I'm am not sure what I am suppose to learn with all these trails I'm going through but I'm getting to the point that I'm not sure how much more I can really take. I make decisions and start to move forward only to feel like its not right. So then what? I have been trying now for almost 2 years to move. First it was to Utah and then it was to Arizona and now it's back to Utah but every time I try to make an effort to make it happen things don't work out and I feel like I don't know what I'm to do. Why do I need to stay here in Idaho when there is not dating opportunities here for me? I meet guys and they seem nice at first and then once they've talked to me for a little they either stop talking to me or talking to me inappropriately and show their true colors. So where are all the good men people tell me that are out there? Where do I need to go to meet them? What the heck am I suppose to do? I am really trying to do what's right, live the gospel, turn my life around and be better, except others for who they are and be more Christ-like and what happens for trying to do and live right? I struggle not just in one part of my life but it seems like in everything and lately it's been more then one thing at once! I guess Heavenly Father think that I can take it because thing's just keep happening and piling up on me. Just for once I'd like something to go smoothly and to know that that is the right thing to do instead of wondering because nothing is falling into place and seeming to work out. I've been trying to stay positive and have trust in Heavenly Father but sense Saturday thing's have just come crumbing down all at once in every aspect and I just lost it and had a huge breakdown yesterday. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do anymore or where I'm suppose to be at but I know that I have to keep moving forward in doing the right thing and hope that thing's will be better soon or that I will see some hope of light at the end of the tunnel. Enduring to the end right? I hope and pray that I will have some form of understanding soon and not feel so lost and alone anymore.  

The struggle I'm Fighting

I know that there is always someone out there that has it worse and that I should be grateful for all that I have, and I am but that doesn't make what I'm going through any less to me. Each day is a different level of the struggle. I have good days and bad days, some days I just wish that I could skip the day and go to the next. Not very many people know the struggle I fight with everyday and there's only one person that knows everything. The biggest reason why not very many know is because I'm ashamed of it and the other is that I don't know how people will react and how they will see me. I don't want to be judged and I don't want them to hold it against me or use it against me. Sad to say there have been a few that I've told and they have used it against me. Some thing's that I've worried about have happened and I get kinda frustrated about it. Even thought I still get frustrated with it I know that there's not much that I can do about how other react or treat me. It's sad and hard sometimes to stay strong. All I want is someone that will love me for me and look past the mistakes I've made. I don't need someone to tell me what I need to do, what I need to change or how I need to fix thing's. I already know the thing's I need to do, change and fix and am working on it. I wish that I was able to explain how I feel better then I do. I want people to understand but I know that I can't make anyone understand or except me as I am.
 If you knew me 10+ years ago you would know and see the changes I've made. It's not easy to change when you have been a certain way all you life. I feel like until you have decided that there are thing's you need to change you can't understand how hard it is. When you come to that choice then you start to see thing's differently and thing's, some how, start to get you down once in awhile. No one is perfect, I know I'm far from it, and that's why we have trials, right? I am not only struggling with the fact that I'm trying to change thing's in my life but I'm also dealing with a choice that I made that wasn't something I thought I'd ever do. This has really turned my world upside down and if you knew me before 2 years ago you'd understand why it has. Because of this choice it has brought on even more struggles and heart ache. I have so far to go and I have a tendency to beat up on myself. One of my struggles is trying not tot hate myself. That is one battle I'm may struggle with for years to come. I just want a guy to love me flaws and all and not use what I've done against me but to look past it and be a support and encourage me to keep going. Is that really to much to ask? One day I hope to be able to feel at peace and feel God's love for me again.

Pictures

Ever sense I started taking pictures I've become more and more into it! I have recently become even more intrigued and kind of obsessed with taking nature pictures. I've realized that taking pictures calms me down and I am at peace when I'm out doing it. So I've decided that I'm going to teach myself how to take good pictures and try to become good at it. If nothing else at lest I enjoy taking pictures and it's fun and relaxing. So because I want to expand my knowledge and understanding of photography I have been on pinterest and pinning thing's that I can learn from. I am also going to be a better camera that will take better and clearer pictures. Also do a few other thing's that the little one that I have doesn't do. But in the mean time I'm using the camera I have and here are some of the ones I've taken so far.

 

 This is one of my favorites!

I'm not the greatest at taking pictures but I'm hoping that I will get there with much practice I'll get the hang of it and they will look the way I imagine they will look. I also have a friend that is willing to let me take her kids pictures and their family picture! I'm excited about that!

This is the beginning of great pictures to come!!!!

Tender Mercies from the Lord

This last weekend was not a very good weekend for me. I was on edge and frustrated with almost every little thing. I worked late Saturday and the kids were just tyrants, not listening or choosing to do good. After I put them to bed I felt like I was failing at life and that I am going to be a horrible mom when that day comes. Sunday was a little better with the kids but I figured out why I was on edge and frustrated, it was that time of the month! Gurrrr! I got off of work yesterday at 4pm and had just felt yucky all day because of cramps. I went over to my parents house to visit with some cousins that were staying the night and to have dinner there. When I got there I took some Advil and was waiting for it to kick in. Normally within 30 min after taking something my cramps lighten up and go away. Yep not this time. It took 3 stinking hours before I started feeling any relief. There was a point that I really felt like I would of been OK if I died right then and there, yes I was that bad!!!!!!!! Because my emotions were out of whack and I've been dealing with guys that are idiots and have just felt like that's those are the only kind of guys that will ever be attracted to me I was feeling hopeless. Last night before I said my prayers I was feeling a ball of emotions. I read a friends blog about her little boys story and how he came into her life. It touched my heart and I almost started crying. I then had more emotions come to me and they were happy ones. I knelt down to pray and I felt very frustrated and told Heavenly Father that I am not doing this whole thing with guys any more. If these are the kind of guys that I can get, I don't want anything to do with them. I have become so guarded that I realized a few days ago that I have put up a huge thick brick wall. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was completely up. I don't like that I have done it and that I am not letting anyone into my life. I told Heavenly Father that I just want to feel and know that I'm cared about and loved, whether that be from heaven or here on earth, I didn't care I just wanted to feel it. I asked Him to help me know what it is that I need to focus on because finding someone isn't it, obviously! As I was kneeling there I had the thought come to me that I need to start teaching the kids I take care of sign language. I would be learning in the process also but I don't know if its for my benefit or theirs. I then had the feeling that I need to do this now to prepare myself, for what I have no clue but I had the thought that maybe I need to do this because I could have a child that could be deaf. But then again I'm not sure that I can trust that because other thing's I've felt have been so wrong. All I know is that I need to follow the prompting to teach the kids sign language.

 I had to be to work this morning at 5:30. Anything earlier then 7:30 I lay down and try to go back to sleep. This morning I laid down next to the baby (ok so he's a year old, lol) who has been sick for the past couple of days and was laying on my side and he was laying up against my back. It took me a little to fall asleep because he kept moving away from me and then back. I know I feel asleep because I didn't feel him get up. All of the sudden he plopped right on my head.

 

 Because I had to use the flash I could hardly keep my eyes open! Lol

 

 

 His chest was against me ear for a little and then he put his head on top of mine. I thought that it was funny and cute so I took some pictures. A little later I was posting on Facebook about feeling blessed, that morning like today remind me why I love my job so much and that my heart was full this morning. as I was writing it I had an overwhelming feeling that that instant with this little boy was Heavenly Father showing me that I am cared about and loved. I have these 4 little children I take care of that love me. He laid on my head for a good 15 min if not a little longer. He started playing with my nose and would pick his head up to look at me and then lay back on me. When I realized that that was an answer to my prayers last night I started to cry because I felt that love. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and hears my prayers and answers them. They aren't always answered when I would like them to be but I know that He hears me and loves me. I know that days ahead are going to be hard and that I'm going to feel down and completely lost at times but for know this is my little moment that has lifted me enough to hold on a little longer and to see the little thing's. I have heard lately this quote, "When you've come to the end of the rope tie a knot and hold on!" I feel like I am at the end of my rope and this was to help me tie a knot so I can keep holding on. I also saw this on Facebook this morning and it impacted me in a way I can't explain, "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great!" For now the only thing that I can do it to keep praying for guidance and strength, holding on and follow the little promptings that do come.

Come what may and LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!