This last weekend was not a very good weekend for me. I was on edge and frustrated with almost every little thing. I worked late Saturday and the kids were just tyrants, not listening or choosing to do good. After I put them to bed I felt like I was failing at life and that I am going to be a horrible mom when that day comes. Sunday was a little better with the kids but I figured out why I was on edge and frustrated, it was that time of the month! Gurrrr! I got off of work yesterday at 4pm and had just felt yucky all day because of cramps. I went over to my parents house to visit with some cousins that were staying the night and to have dinner there. When I got there I took some Advil and was waiting for it to kick in. Normally within 30 min after taking something my cramps lighten up and go away. Yep not this time. It took 3 stinking hours before I started feeling any relief. There was a point that I really felt like I would of been OK if I died right then and there, yes I was that bad!!!!!!!! Because my emotions were out of whack and I've been dealing with guys that are idiots and have just felt like that's those are the only kind of guys that will ever be attracted to me I was feeling hopeless. Last night before I said my prayers I was feeling a ball of emotions. I read a friends blog about her little boys story and how he came into her life. It touched my heart and I almost started crying. I then had more emotions come to me and they were happy ones. I knelt down to pray and I felt very frustrated and told Heavenly Father that I am not doing this whole thing with guys any more. If these are the kind of guys that I can get, I don't want anything to do with them. I have become so guarded that I realized a few days ago that I have put up a huge thick brick wall. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was completely up. I don't like that I have done it and that I am not letting anyone into my life. I told Heavenly Father that I just want to feel and know that I'm cared about and loved, whether that be from heaven or here on earth, I didn't care I just wanted to feel it. I asked Him to help me know what it is that I need to focus on because finding someone isn't it, obviously! As I was kneeling there I had the thought come to me that I need to start teaching the kids I take care of sign language. I would be learning in the process also but I don't know if its for my benefit or theirs. I then had the feeling that I need to do this now to prepare myself, for what I have no clue but I had the thought that maybe I need to do this because I could have a child that could be deaf. But then again I'm not sure that I can trust that because other thing's I've felt have been so wrong. All I know is that I need to follow the prompting to teach the kids sign language.
I had to be to work this morning at 5:30. Anything earlier then 7:30 I lay down and try to go back to sleep. This morning I laid down next to the baby (ok so he's a year old, lol) who has been sick for the past couple of days and was laying on my side and he was laying up against my back. It took me a little to fall asleep because he kept moving away from me and then back. I know I feel asleep because I didn't feel him get up. All of the sudden he plopped right on my head.
Because I had to use the flash I could hardly keep my eyes open! Lol
His chest was against me ear for a little and then he put his head on top of mine. I thought that it was funny and cute so I took some pictures. A little later I was posting on Facebook about feeling blessed, that morning like today remind me why I love my job so much and that my heart was full this morning. as I was writing it I had an overwhelming feeling that that instant with this little boy was Heavenly Father showing me that I am cared about and loved. I have these 4 little children I take care of that love me. He laid on my head for a good 15 min if not a little longer. He started playing with my nose and would pick his head up to look at me and then lay back on me. When I realized that that was an answer to my prayers last night I started to cry because I felt that love. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and hears my prayers and answers them. They aren't always answered when I would like them to be but I know that He hears me and loves me. I know that days ahead are going to be hard and that I'm going to feel down and completely lost at times but for know this is my little moment that has lifted me enough to hold on a little longer and to see the little thing's. I have heard lately this quote, "When you've come to the end of the rope tie a knot and hold on!" I feel like I am at the end of my rope and this was to help me tie a knot so I can keep holding on. I also saw this on Facebook this morning and it impacted me in a way I can't explain, "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great!" For now the only thing that I can do it to keep praying for guidance and strength, holding on and follow the little promptings that do come.
Come what may and LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!
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