The struggle I'm Fighting

I know that there is always someone out there that has it worse and that I should be grateful for all that I have, and I am but that doesn't make what I'm going through any less to me. Each day is a different level of the struggle. I have good days and bad days, some days I just wish that I could skip the day and go to the next. Not very many people know the struggle I fight with everyday and there's only one person that knows everything. The biggest reason why not very many know is because I'm ashamed of it and the other is that I don't know how people will react and how they will see me. I don't want to be judged and I don't want them to hold it against me or use it against me. Sad to say there have been a few that I've told and they have used it against me. Some thing's that I've worried about have happened and I get kinda frustrated about it. Even thought I still get frustrated with it I know that there's not much that I can do about how other react or treat me. It's sad and hard sometimes to stay strong. All I want is someone that will love me for me and look past the mistakes I've made. I don't need someone to tell me what I need to do, what I need to change or how I need to fix thing's. I already know the thing's I need to do, change and fix and am working on it. I wish that I was able to explain how I feel better then I do. I want people to understand but I know that I can't make anyone understand or except me as I am.
 If you knew me 10+ years ago you would know and see the changes I've made. It's not easy to change when you have been a certain way all you life. I feel like until you have decided that there are thing's you need to change you can't understand how hard it is. When you come to that choice then you start to see thing's differently and thing's, some how, start to get you down once in awhile. No one is perfect, I know I'm far from it, and that's why we have trials, right? I am not only struggling with the fact that I'm trying to change thing's in my life but I'm also dealing with a choice that I made that wasn't something I thought I'd ever do. This has really turned my world upside down and if you knew me before 2 years ago you'd understand why it has. Because of this choice it has brought on even more struggles and heart ache. I have so far to go and I have a tendency to beat up on myself. One of my struggles is trying not tot hate myself. That is one battle I'm may struggle with for years to come. I just want a guy to love me flaws and all and not use what I've done against me but to look past it and be a support and encourage me to keep going. Is that really to much to ask? One day I hope to be able to feel at peace and feel God's love for me again.

Pictures

Ever sense I started taking pictures I've become more and more into it! I have recently become even more intrigued and kind of obsessed with taking nature pictures. I've realized that taking pictures calms me down and I am at peace when I'm out doing it. So I've decided that I'm going to teach myself how to take good pictures and try to become good at it. If nothing else at lest I enjoy taking pictures and it's fun and relaxing. So because I want to expand my knowledge and understanding of photography I have been on pinterest and pinning thing's that I can learn from. I am also going to be a better camera that will take better and clearer pictures. Also do a few other thing's that the little one that I have doesn't do. But in the mean time I'm using the camera I have and here are some of the ones I've taken so far.

 

 This is one of my favorites!

I'm not the greatest at taking pictures but I'm hoping that I will get there with much practice I'll get the hang of it and they will look the way I imagine they will look. I also have a friend that is willing to let me take her kids pictures and their family picture! I'm excited about that!

This is the beginning of great pictures to come!!!!

Tender Mercies from the Lord

This last weekend was not a very good weekend for me. I was on edge and frustrated with almost every little thing. I worked late Saturday and the kids were just tyrants, not listening or choosing to do good. After I put them to bed I felt like I was failing at life and that I am going to be a horrible mom when that day comes. Sunday was a little better with the kids but I figured out why I was on edge and frustrated, it was that time of the month! Gurrrr! I got off of work yesterday at 4pm and had just felt yucky all day because of cramps. I went over to my parents house to visit with some cousins that were staying the night and to have dinner there. When I got there I took some Advil and was waiting for it to kick in. Normally within 30 min after taking something my cramps lighten up and go away. Yep not this time. It took 3 stinking hours before I started feeling any relief. There was a point that I really felt like I would of been OK if I died right then and there, yes I was that bad!!!!!!!! Because my emotions were out of whack and I've been dealing with guys that are idiots and have just felt like that's those are the only kind of guys that will ever be attracted to me I was feeling hopeless. Last night before I said my prayers I was feeling a ball of emotions. I read a friends blog about her little boys story and how he came into her life. It touched my heart and I almost started crying. I then had more emotions come to me and they were happy ones. I knelt down to pray and I felt very frustrated and told Heavenly Father that I am not doing this whole thing with guys any more. If these are the kind of guys that I can get, I don't want anything to do with them. I have become so guarded that I realized a few days ago that I have put up a huge thick brick wall. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was completely up. I don't like that I have done it and that I am not letting anyone into my life. I told Heavenly Father that I just want to feel and know that I'm cared about and loved, whether that be from heaven or here on earth, I didn't care I just wanted to feel it. I asked Him to help me know what it is that I need to focus on because finding someone isn't it, obviously! As I was kneeling there I had the thought come to me that I need to start teaching the kids I take care of sign language. I would be learning in the process also but I don't know if its for my benefit or theirs. I then had the feeling that I need to do this now to prepare myself, for what I have no clue but I had the thought that maybe I need to do this because I could have a child that could be deaf. But then again I'm not sure that I can trust that because other thing's I've felt have been so wrong. All I know is that I need to follow the prompting to teach the kids sign language.

 I had to be to work this morning at 5:30. Anything earlier then 7:30 I lay down and try to go back to sleep. This morning I laid down next to the baby (ok so he's a year old, lol) who has been sick for the past couple of days and was laying on my side and he was laying up against my back. It took me a little to fall asleep because he kept moving away from me and then back. I know I feel asleep because I didn't feel him get up. All of the sudden he plopped right on my head.

 

 Because I had to use the flash I could hardly keep my eyes open! Lol

 

 

 His chest was against me ear for a little and then he put his head on top of mine. I thought that it was funny and cute so I took some pictures. A little later I was posting on Facebook about feeling blessed, that morning like today remind me why I love my job so much and that my heart was full this morning. as I was writing it I had an overwhelming feeling that that instant with this little boy was Heavenly Father showing me that I am cared about and loved. I have these 4 little children I take care of that love me. He laid on my head for a good 15 min if not a little longer. He started playing with my nose and would pick his head up to look at me and then lay back on me. When I realized that that was an answer to my prayers last night I started to cry because I felt that love. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and hears my prayers and answers them. They aren't always answered when I would like them to be but I know that He hears me and loves me. I know that days ahead are going to be hard and that I'm going to feel down and completely lost at times but for know this is my little moment that has lifted me enough to hold on a little longer and to see the little thing's. I have heard lately this quote, "When you've come to the end of the rope tie a knot and hold on!" I feel like I am at the end of my rope and this was to help me tie a knot so I can keep holding on. I also saw this on Facebook this morning and it impacted me in a way I can't explain, "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great!" For now the only thing that I can do it to keep praying for guidance and strength, holding on and follow the little promptings that do come.

Come what may and LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!

What makes you happy?????

A few weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook about a 100 day challenge to find thing's each day that make you happy and that most people that start never finish for one reason or another. So I decided that I was going to take up the challenge and take pictures of what make me happy that day and post them on Facebook. It's been such a great thing for me because I have been in a slump because of choices I've made and also breaking up with a guy that I wanted to marry. I was mad at first and then it was that I didn't understand why I had a guy that wanted to marry me but it was wrong. I've been waiting so long to get married and there was an opportunity and it wasn't right. It's been really hard because I still love him and want to see him but I also feel like that it's just going to make thing's worse for the both of us. He really wants to keep talking and seeing each other but isn't making any effort to do so. I just don't know. So anyways, I started doing this challenge and my days have become better and I've  been happier. It's amazing what looking for happy moments in your life can do to your attitude. I'm more positive, happier, look at thing's differently that help me deal with thing's better and I'm able to get through thing's more easily.

 After I started doing this I started noticing that I was looking forward to the next day to see what would make me happy. Little thing's like the laughter of the kids I watch,

 the sun shining,

                                                                                                               

 

 my hair getting long,

                                                      

  being able to watch conference,

 

going to the gym,

                                                                                                                                                               which has been a challenge all in it's self to go. But I noticed that when I started feeling happier that my attitude about going to the gym has changed and it's something that I want to do. Not saying that it's easy to go cause there are days that I don't want to go but I'm thankful that I do go cause after I feel so good and feel like I've accomplished something even though it's not a big thing. I also feel that I appreciate those little thing's around me more and because I'm looking for thing's, I see the beauty of God's creation's. I have always love nature and taking pictures, even though I'm not that good but I try, it bring peace to my life. I need to go out more and take random pictures. If you are struggling and need a pick me up start looking for thing's that make you happy and document them. it really does help without a ton of effort.

Musical Production

So last Saturday I went and auditioned for a musical production called "Through Emma's Eyes" I was so nervous even though the director is a friend and I've been singing in her choir for the past 3 years. I think that it's something about the word audition that gets me nervous! So I had a friend come with me to play the piano. I had to sing 2 songs one was Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and the other one I was able to choose but it had to be a showtime song. So I decided to sing The Phantom of the Opera from The Phantom of the Opera. I only had to sing 16 measures which wasn't bad. I felt like I did good but I could hear the shaking in my voice. Hopefully they didn't! So they told me that I did good and that the cast list would be up Wednesday afternoon. Sunday I got an e-mail that said that they are doing call-backs and to look for an e-mail the next day. Well I never got one so hoped that that was a good sign. Tuesday night i was talking on the phone with a friend and got an e-mail about the cast. She got it up early and so I went to the page to see if I made it and sure enough there was my name! YAY!!!!! Oh my gosh was I so excited! So I'm playing a girl named Margaret Cook. Not sure who she is tho! I'll find out. Our first rehearsal is the 29th and I'll get my script and music! Dang who would of ever thought that I would be in a musical! I hope I do good and don't freak out on stage. At lest I don't have a main part. I'm so ok with that! This is going to be so cool and so much fun!

Trying to Get Through

I've been telling myself and everyone around me that I'm doing good and I know that thing's will work out some how but today has not been on of those days that I believe that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or tell me that things are going to be ok. I know in the end thing's will be ok but when I feel like everything around me is caving in, I'm not good enough, and I've become a failure it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe part of it is that I'm feeling sorry for myself and I know that I need to get out of that cause it doesn't do me any good. When thing's around you never go right and it's hard to see anything good what do you do?! I know I need to be better at somethings but if this is what i have to deal with I wish that I never came home from my mission. It's become such a hard thing and no one understands what I'm feeling and going through. I don't even know how to explain how I truly feel so what would be the point of trying to talk about it. I guess this is just my way to vent a little and hope that by doing so I''ll feel better and can move on and hopefully see a light at the end of the tunnel.
 I have been dealing with some emotional problems and am feeling like I'm becoming bitter about thing's and towards some people. How do I stop that? Here's the problem, I think it might help to talk to someone but I can't bring myself to talking to someone that could possible help or know how I feel because I don't want to be a bother or burden anyone with my problems. So I've just keep most of it to myself and try to figure it out on my own. I pray and ask for guidance and direction but feel like I'm not getting anything. I don't like not knowing what to do or that nothing seems to be working out in my favor. I still tell myself that everything is going to be ok but I'm having a hard time believing it right now.
 Tomorrow will be another day and I hope that it will be a better one then today!

Back Home too Soon

Out on my mission I was having problems with my knee's. I had gone to see some Dr's for it and ended up having to do some physical therapy. Because I only had insurance through the mission they only pay for 3 visits. The Dr. that I saw she thought that 3 visits would be enough. So I was transfered to the Kirtland Visitor Center so I wasn't waslking and doing stairs all the time so we could get my knee's better. A week ago Wednesday (a week before transfers) I got a phone call from my mission president to see how I was doing. Before he called me I was planning on saying I'm fine and that I'm ready to go out and start working. But when I started talking to him I couldn't tell him that I was good to go. I was still having pain once in awhile in my knee's and was worried about going out and doing all the thing's that is required as a missionary that it would start back up because it wasn't completly healed yet. So after talking about how I'm feeling and their (President Vellinga and his wife) thoughts we decided that it would be best to come home to get this solved. So I'm back home a year before I thought I would be. I'm doing better and feeling better then I thought I would be doing. I don't know what's in store for me but I do know that the Lord has a plan for me and that I was sent home at this time for a reason. A reason I may never really know but I'm ok with that.